Femininity

What is femininity? Is it an accident of birth, a series of natural or learned behaviors, a standard appearance, or a fluid mixture of various elements, some taking precedence over others at given points in time? I am not generally one to contemplate my own existence (I left my existential tendencies behind in high school), but strangely enough, chopping off all my hair in one drastic motion has left me wondering about how others encounter me, and the various shades of meaning encompassed by our choices regarding appearance.

This outfit, worn on Friday night to dinner at our apartment and then to my mother-in-law's birthday dessert, was a concious choice of pairing classically feminine pieces-- a ruffled dress and cardigan, a large necklace-- for the first time most of hubs' family saw me without my familiar flowing locks. A quiet shout, embodied in clothing and accessories; "I am still a woman. Please don't read this look as subversive." Or, more accurately: "I may have done this to be subversive. But I love your son/brother/cousin/etc. Even if I am not the type of wife you want or expect me to be, we have a wonderful life together." In the Orthodox world, and particularly the Central Asian Jewish community, a pixie haircut isn't as simple as it may seem. It speaks to a streak of individualism that is quietly frowned upon, balking  the far more common embrace of traditional femininity. While I don't wholly reject the stereotypical notion of womanhood (I certainly play into several of its more common tropes, including an interest in fashion, a love of shopping and acquiring goods, a drive to cook and clean in a way my husband will never understand), I am a strong believer that most of what the world considers natural division between the sexes is socially ingrained through our interaction with a world segregated by sex. Was my instinct to remove a traditional signifier of femininity motivated by a desire to signal that belief? I am sure that had something to do with it. Then again, so did my desire to see if I'd still feel pretty without hair. And the urge to make the kind of physical change one makes when starting a new chapter in life; in my case, moving to a new city, alone, and beginning my (hopefully) lifelong career in academia.

On some days, I embrace the slight androgyny the hairstyle lends (though, to be honest, my body gives away what my hair may hide.) Just a Hanes v-neck, a pair of shorts, and sandals. On others, I make sure to slap on a bit of mascara and blush so as to assure myself that I am read as a woman. And on nights like this past Friday, I carefully select items that counteract the "subversiveness" of the cut, so as to shield myself from the inevitable stares and queries. And interestingly enough, I am really enjoying the ability to slip between the lines of these slightly different roles and embody different aspects of my personality.

* As U Wish black maxi * J. Crew outlet cardigan * Nine West gladiators (thanks, Mom!) * black and white statement necklace * F21 floral earrings *